Sticky Lolly

I have been struggling with a few things lately regarding this pregnancy.

Now that the initial will it/won't it stay stage is out of the way (and I've only ever come this far once before), I am free to look forward to meeting our little Lolly - for those of you not in the know, Jubjub became Lolly on this day when we saw a real baby and not a blob on the screen.

Only thing is.... this is a scary territory for me. I've read other people's posts about how people they know assume they are "over" their lost child simply because they are continuing on and nurturing another life inside them. It's a really sad, and very incorrect, assumption. I have already started to feel myself grappling with how to handle this. On the one hand, the joy is wonderful and welcome. I want to give this baby the best possible start and am opening my heart to it as much as I can right now, and it's no push to do this.

Now on the other hand, where is Ella in all of this? Some people around us already find it quite difficult to speak to us about her, and I fear that with another baby on the way, she will be well and truly be pushed to the back of their minds. How relieved they will be when there is another baby to focus on and they won't have to search for something to say to us.

I'll never be over losing my daughter. I know that rationally, people know this. But their actions speak louder than their unspoken words and you can feel the discomfort in some people. For the most part, I've surrounded myself with people who understand and who are already there for me. I am not interested in re-establishing lost relations with people who have been unable to handle supporting me through the worst two years of my life. Why the hell should I have to share only the good, capable side of me with them? Particularly when I've always, always stayed and supported some of these others even when no one else would.

Nup. The deserters can stay deserted ...... and get their just desserts.