Sleep! Lashings of sleep...

I have a book full of theory only because I haven't had to settle L overnight since the night before we went to the MBU.

What I did learn was that my dear girl not feeding, therefore not sleeping properly, was almost solely directly related to my working and getting stressed and rushing, etc. Not to mention ridiculous other issues. The entire week I was there, I don't think I sped up much more than a saunter, we had 3 full meals a day and snacks in between (and I lost another 1kg despite of this, gosh darn), and Lolly certainly showed me up in terms of how worked up I obviously was. The nurses even said to me that I was already doing what they teach in there, so that leaves me with very few reasons as to why it wasn't working (namely, I wasn't feeding her enough during the day - oops! - and I was doing a bad job of hiding my anxiety about family/work). And to think I thought I could sidle on past the LGBB with a plastered-on smile and an over-rambunctious "Gooooooood mornin', Lolleeeeee!"

They now call it "responsive settling", by the way. I have my own method. I know what her full blown cry is. I also know how long it takes her to get there, having accidentally not been within earshot once or twice and come back to find the grizzles I'd walked away from had become "I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING! WHADDA WORLD, WHADDA WORLD" kind of horror-wailings.

All of this is not to say it's not all my "fault" of course, this previous pattern of night waking. Ho, no, I shan't be taking on all the blame thank-ewe very much *hair flick* But we really have ironed things out. I now have a flexible yet definite routine, which is working much better for me than the peace, love and tie-dyed harmony method of demand feeding (Lolly's not too good at counting how many hours are in a day and I mistakenly thought I should just be lopping them out on every whim of hers.... but she also can't count how many feeds she has in any given day and it turns out, given that I wasn't counting them either and had no idea, the wee sprite was not having enough). She actually lost 2oog between first and second weigh-ins, between lunchtime first day and breakfast next morning, dear Lord.... She thankfully recorded small gains every day after that. But just quietly *she says, checking behind her* I'm hopeful this is indicative of her father's speedy metabolism. So she can eat cake, mmm love a bit o' cake, and not feel too guilty.

So we've added one more feed to her day (which equates to a whole extra day over a week) and I'm massaging her nightly now which I'd become slack about. She's almost unconscious by the time we get her into bed. And we try to aim for 7pm bedtime since we came home but so far she only makes it to about 6.45pm. I then do her rollover/dream feed just before I go to bed (a very respectable 9.30 as opposed to the 10.30pm I was stupidly waiting up for every night) and we don't hear from her til after 7am every morning. This has now been her pattern for a whole week I'm relieved to say.

I got no more sleep than what I had been over the past few months in hospital though, despite this (woke every couple of hours and so did poor Steve here at home, such was his body clock remembering). But now we've both settled into much better nights' sleeps since Saturday.

I have to say, my biggest fears of having to a) lose the dummy and b) leaving her to cry (which she did do on occasion, about 3 to be exact - I can't believe I can count all the resettling we did on one hand, oh my GOD!) were not realised, as the nurses really worked with me and more importantly, within what I felt comfortable with. There were no holds barred, don't get me wrong, but I was given the straightest-shooting nurses with hard-hitting questions that got right to the heart of matters and left nothing to hide behind. It was soul food.

You know what I had the biggest issue with? After the first night, I realised it was the first time I hadn't seen her - breathing, alive, ok while she slept - on our video monitor. The parents' cheat tool! And I needed a lot of support opening that door on the first morning, I tell you. My knees were shaky, I just felt sick at the thought of (whatever, I won't go into it). But of course she was fine.

The new routine has been sorely tested today and on Saturday (when she didn't sleep for over 6hrs because we went out to a friends' 40th) but we followed the routine set by the MBU to a T - amongst which is the wise "don't worry about the past, just keep planning for the future" - and then today I was very tetchy because it was soooo hot. She snacked all day and didn't have more than 2 hours all up. But we kept heading for that 7pm bedtime even though she missed her arvo sleep and was up from 4pm and gripey. And like clockwork, she was ready to go down at 6.45pm again and has been asleep ever since. I struggled at first and started to panic, but then reasoned that she's survived lack of sleep before so I relaxed into it and let the tension go. Seemed to work because she wasn't unsettled at all going down to bed (which she sometimes can be at night).

I picked up some great tips (which all you experienced mummies probably already know and all you future mummies might like to bookmark somehow) like:

• don't give false hope - if you go to resettle and discover you need to change a nappy, do it in the cot.
• when you go in to resettle, look her in the eye (my MCHN told me to avoid eye contact at 'all costs' and to whisper/keep words to a minimum, or don't talk at all!!!) and use a flat, monotone voice - instead of doing a mental checklist, say it out loud, like "You're awake, it's not time to get up, it's time for sleep." Then you could check for wet through and say "you don't need changing" or "you have your dummy", etc. etc. (I think this is far more comforting for her and me than the MCHN's method!)
(I did this the first night we were home - the LGBB decided 5am was wake up time and I was up and down the hall before I woke up, was sleeping so soundly.... when I got there I put all my theory to the test and I swear, that kid dropped her wide grin so fast when I said "It's not time to get up", it was priceless. I fought the urge to squeeze those cheeks and grin right back, but it worked, dagnabbit, it darn-tootin' worked and I had to wake her at 7.30... how convincing was I?!)
• new ideas for inexpensive toys - part of Lolly's method is to be "played with hard" now. She needs to be more stimulated a few times a day so I went out on Saturday and bought some supplies for making things. She's using her feet to discover them too now as well as her hands, it's so amazing to watch.

Our dear little girl also learned how to blow raspberries on her big trip away last week, awwww! OH, and she rolled last night on her own from front to back!! And she now "helps" me put her dummy in too. If only she'd learn to let go before flinging her arms out because she takes the dummy with her more often than not.

And for anyone reading who's wondering about going now or in the future.... I've heard varying reports about different places so I really do think it must depend on the MBU/sleep school you're going to go to and how it's run. This one was very strict about "best practice" care and always within the limits or capabilities of the mother. As they put it, it's "mother-led". There were 6 of us and we were all on varied routines for various reasons. Much of my week was spent in one-on-one's with people (nurses and counsellors) while L caught up on 2 months' worth of lost sleep! Half her luck...

The freakiest thing about the entire week? *clearing throat* Bear with me. A nurse called Jenny, who I think was the 2IC and who booked me in so we'd had some dialogue over the phone, came on shift mid-week and introduced herself to me. After chatting for a bit, she said she had been working in the same NICU where Ella was when Ella was there. Not that she knew her because she went on Maternity Leave. Had her daughter, Lauren, on the day Ella passed away, within the same hour. After dicovering this about each other, we just blinked back tears and shook our heads at how lovely the symmetry was.

Howzat!?!