With or without you

Who was I kidding?

I forgot that I miss you until I finally said the words.

Is it really like in that book? Can you show me?
I feel like I should know. In a maternal way, I want to ensure where you are is comfortable. Not lonely. I wanted you to myself and it happened so quickly, so suddenly, that I had to share you out to the world. I barely had time to know you myself in those brief moments you were right here in front of us. And then you were gone. And there was no more pilgrimage to make every day.

The void was filled eventually. I suppose. Did I start filling it in too quickly? No, I don't think so either. I do wish sometimes that I had had more time to stop. But to stop at that time would have been to die. Strange, I didn't have thoughts of wanting to die to be with you. But rather, thoughts of wanting to swap my life for yours - that if there was a way I could have died so you could be here, to live a life - your life - I know I gladly would have.

I never entertained the thought that we would live our lives together. But... are we anyway? Is the only difference that I can't actually see you?

I have often thought of you, Ellanor. Often. In the first months, the first year, I wondered what you were doing and where you were. I would say to people and to your Dad that it felt like you were just away on some trip somewhere. I likened the feeling I had, still have, to a mother wondering and a little concerned about her worldly child off travelling the wilds of Africa, the mountains of Tibet, the streets of Rome.

I feel like you are just a postcard away.