This is where I do my best...

Relaxing.

Reading.

Sitting.

Crying.

Thinking.

Laughing and enjoying being alive.

Grieving.

Talking on the phone (even though many people have asked if I'm running a bath or in the toilet.....).

This is the pond we made last year for Ella, in place of having a grave site in a cemetary as was our choice, and where all our pregnant fish are (ok, so it's only two of them but that counts as ALL of them to someone ttc). For every brick we painstakingly laid (there is a double brick surround under the pavers and rendering), for every paver we laid, every brush stroke of paint.... we thought of her. We knew we couldn't stop because it symbolised all the missed birthdays, Christmases, school concerts, friends over to play. Just all of it. And it was tough, really tough. I had my fifth m/c during that time (my first pregnancy since losing her) so there are a lot of blood, sweat and tears - all quite literally - in this monument to her. We started in May 2004 and it was complete when the shade sail went up in September the same year.

God knows how we'll ever leave this place now. It would be pretty hard to leave this behind. It brings us so much joy and has become the centrepiece of the house - we can view it from the kitchen/living area so it's ever-present.

We love it.



And here are the first flowers from the lilies, in September last year. We chose two flowers especially for her (and for us!). And they've done the right thing and done a repeat flower this year too, so thank God we're obviously treating them correctly.