What's the matter, Colonel Sanders? CHICKEN??

I can't go another post without giving thanks to the *whatever* out there that has brought such dear people into my life. So... thank you.

I've had a few days now to process my doubts and fears about my writing and also the responses here. Pretty unanimous and resounding "Get on wiv it!" from the crowd. So I will have to just gulp down the tears and.... well, get on with it. It's hugely emotional. Sometimes I can hardly understand myself on the voice files I'm making and having typed up. It is hard to say to begin with, yet harder still to hear myself sound so upset.

In order to write this honestly, I have had to shift into a sort of parallel timeframe and get myself back into the me who was 'back then'. Mighty emotional to do and a fairly heavy duty task. I can switch back to the present easily enough, although it does make me rather foggy/heavy sometimes.

I guess this must have been what "they" meant when I was forewarned Lolly was coming to help me with my work. She does give me the strength. If I didn't have her beaming face to go and get up after sleeps or big sleepy hugs before I put her down, I wouldn't then be able to come out into my backyard and do this other work. I wouldn't have the stomach to go traipsing through my old archived thoughts and memories of those days with and after Ella. I would be physically ill. As it is, it is fairly impacting anyway even with a 'babe in arms'.

Yesterday I stood with a dear, dear friend as we looked at all (and I mean all) of Ellanor's photos. We took some time away from the party to step into the quiet study and make a brief moment to connect with her - and each other - and it felt good. It was bittersweet but it didn't impact me so immensely that I couldn't control my sadness. This was Lauryn's day. But Ella is a part of that too. And if my friend hadn't approached me, I might not have stopped still at all to say hello to my dear Boo.

I'm getting better at this. I was a crying mess doing work on my book this morning, then went and got the LGBB ready to take to playgroup and immersed myself in her world there without even noticing a shift in gears.

I am a mum to two busy girls, after all.