See, this is what I mean

I have been looking forward to tonight ever since we received the invitation. One of my oldest, dearest friends is having her 30th celebrations tonight. We lost touch for a few years and reconnected last year, it was just days after Ella died and she called me out of the blue. I have tears now just remembering how lovely she was.

She told me she had been having trouble conceiving too. Two m/c's to date. And she was pregnant again and hesitant that the baby would live. Well, live he did, and boy what a gorgeous little munchkin he is. I finally got up the nerve to meet up with them when he was about 13 weeks old. And I cried. With joy for her and a tugging at my heart that I'll probably always, always have now when I see any new baby of a good friend for the first time. And she was so lovely. I had a quiet weep and she was just quietly with me as I held him. It felt so good.

Why did I get all the way to tonight and now feel so ratshit about going then? The weather doesn't help, it's soggy here (pfft what's new!). And I am low. I have to go and put on makeup. A nice outfit. Steve's not home yet and we leave in half an hour. It will be rush, rush, rush to get there on time and that, paired with how I'm feeling, is leaving me feeling a bit flustered.

It's something I am still learning: to brace myself just to step out in public and go meet people who are so wonderful..... but have babies! Why?! It only happens every so often now, and NOTHING I can see triggers it. I'm just relieved it doesn't happen often. The worst part is, she'd be bloody wonderful to me if I 'fessed up and told her my insides felt torn. I've been firm friends with this gorgeous girl since we were 7. I love her to death. I love her son! And then there's forever that little partition that comes up, that reads "You have a baby now, I don't know what it feels like to bring my baby home and watch it grow and nurture it. I can support you through your pregnancy because I know what that's like. I can cope while you're pregnant. I hate myself for being like this, but somedays I may not be able to cope when I see you even if your baby is not there.... simply because you have one."

Eurgh. I don't care what Van Morrison reckons, my mama never told me there'd be days like this. Nope, I'm with John Lennon on this one, Nobody told me there'd be days like these...