Baby or Bust

Okies, I only now feel settled enough to chat about my visit to the homeopath yesterday.

I all honesty, I couldn't get out of there quickly enough, I was so disappointed. I primarily wanted to work on getting my weight back down - and my hormones back in proper rhythm - after the IVF cycles this year. I've put on 6kg since May because of the drugs and been charting since last week, to check ovulation and see what's going on with my progesterone, etc. Just a casual thing, not necessarily to "catch the egg", I just want to see if it's settling down, you know.

So this guy, all he could focus on was Ella! But, I mean, in a really negative way. Saying I was showing signs of suppression about her (BULL fricken shit) but then alternately trying to make me skip past the very significant fact that I have given birth, Hello! it's going to change my physiology a little dontcha think. And he was asking me all those indepth medical history questions about illness (fair enough, it's what I was expecting), but then each time I answered in terms of "since giving birth this or that has been different" he started seeming a bit exasperated that I kept using her birth as the pivotal point in my change in physical fitness!

Ugh, I felt like I didn't know myself and I really resent both him for putting me in that headspace and myself for allowing him to put me there! So disappointed. $90 it cost me. I feel like the process with him would be snail-pace slow, because he's going to waffle through all this mental shit that I'm past already. I refuse to pay good money so that HE can get to a point where he feels both comfortable about the fact that I've lost a child (and so many pregnancies) and also satisfied that I'm "moving on".... fuck that! I want someone who meets me where I'm at NOW, not how I was "the moment she died" (oh, keep reading, he asked me about that!) - because I'm not there in that heightened grief state anymore.

He seemed to think I was there so he could help us "make a baby". But I just want to get healthy. I don't think he quite understood me. Kept making disclaimers that it might not work for us for a while. Oh! And then came the deal breaker: as I was leaving, he says "Well...... at least you have plenty of time." I tell ya, I wanted to scream at him. But he would've gone "I thought so. Repressed." OOOOHH!! I'm supposed to go back in 6 weeks but I'm going to cancel the appointment. I don't need a practitioner who thinks I'm not "coming clean" with him about my mental state. Pfft.

What IS it with these know-alls who are so caught up in their own shock at being delivered the news about a baby that's died? I honestly think if I'd turned into a blubbering mess, he'd have been more comfortable with me. Well he can go to hell! He even asked me, "What did you do the moment Ella died?" Now, ok, I can guess why he asked that (to ascertain my physical/mental reaction to something so as to gauge how I respond to highly stressful situations), but it'd only be a guess on my part - because he didn't explain why he asked me that very very VERY personal question, and left me thinking he was just a ghoul wanting the most foul gossip to feed his own need.

Oh I was so fuming!

*sheepish* .....Can ya tell?.....