Old mother Turtle

I have no idea where this is going to end up but need to log it in this timeline I seem to have going here on this blogspace.

I've been clearing a space each morning (energetically more than anything) to enable me to carry out work on this writing I'm doing. I go in with a ritual of shifting and clearing any incorrect energy - and must admit I've become very slack at this, despite doing it more than daily only a few weeks back when things first started to shift again - surrounding myself and anyone else I feel responsible for, or at least in my immediate "zone".

It's usually the same old subjects: myself, Steve and the LGBB, our home and belongings. They all get thrown in there when I do a clearing. The past few mornings when I've gone to do it, though, Ella's name has inched its way into my consciousness. One of those inclusions that just flowed so easily that I knew I wasn't forcing it in there. I've been hesitant to include her, wondering why or how on earth my doing a clearing could possibly pertain to her. I see her as a soul far wiser and more capable than me down here doing my bit.

But I think that's where I've gone astray a bit. Perhaps just misguided or naive.

I included her in the process this morning before I got started and was confused and a bit uncomfortable about it, only in that I felt like I didn't have the "right" (if that is in fact the correct word) to assume she needed clearing as I was doing it. An hour passed without feeling like even a minute had gone by, when I raised my head out of it again I realised I'd hand written four pages without stopping. Such is the way I write when I really need to, it's so much more constructive too when it comes to me like that.

Anyway, I started back on the computer for a brief moment before Ella's name popped into my head again. It wasn't "her", per say, not like old times - certainly no dialogue was exchanged - and I had the presence of mind to give the bods at Peace Space a call. They've been without a phone (embarrassingly, it's a phone/answering machine that I donated to them and it's since gone kaput.... oops) and I was clutching at straws thinking anyone would answer at all. But eventually, the phone did pick up. Neri. Sounding rather distracted, as you do when dragged back to the present after being deep in thought "somewhere else".

What ensued was a lightbulb moment of a conversation. Just incredible. I said I needed to ask a "brief" question, not wishing to disturb her or me more than necessary from our respective tasks of the morning. And once I had finished explaining that Ellanor kept wanting to be put in my clearing and protection, she said "Whyever would you not?" Hearing it in such simple, factual terms - "she is a part of your family, you, Steve, Lauryn. You're her mother, you represent her connection to Mother Earth in this lifetime, of course she would come to you when she feels the need for some added protection" - just made me crumble. I don't know why it took her to say it, after all, I have been struggling (it feels like) for so long to retain the title of "Ella's mum" to anybody who's still willing to hear me rant about it. And then, something so easy and flowing as a simple morning ritual is the thing to really bring it back into perspective for me.

I've not felt the need to include Ella's name before. It's only been literally the past three or so days. Usually happens when I am preparing to get five minutes of time for myself (and that hasn't come about til this morning, I've overlooked doing it for at least a week now) and I'll mentally start my checklist of who I need to include. Me, Steve, (Ella), someone will pop in there, Lauryn... hang on a minute! Ella?? Then consciously to myself, I'll go, "Ella. Why not Ella?" But it's been bugging me as I try to work out whether it's me doing it or her!

Now I have my answer.

And the turtle connection? When I rang, Neri had been researching and meditating with Turtle, who had come to her first thing this morning. Her mother passed away (herself a mother who had experienced a neonatal loss, back in a time when there was no such thing as expressing oneself on the accepting internet or anything similar) and she was drawn to uncovering a bit more about Mother Earth today. My phone call came right in the middle of this dawning - all I have received so far is that Turtle, who lays her eggs in the sand, where they hatch and many not make it to the ocean as they fall prey to predators, never loses her threads of connection to all her babies. I blubbered. Hell yeah, I blubbered silently on the phone as she explained it briefly.

I've felt the pressing urge to make a visit back up to Peace Space for a while now. I organised a time only yesterday with them to make a day of it, this Saturday. Manuscript (for what it's worth so far) in hand. And now it's becoming more clear to myself and Neri what we'll be doing this weekend. She is working on a topic not dissimilar to my own: Mother and the mother connection.

More after Saturday as it comes to hand.