Inching along

I'm taking the LGBB to get her pelvis and hips xrayed in an hour. Don't know why, but I am really nervous. I'm panicky at the fact that she has to have them done, even though she'll be whipped in and out in no time. I know there is less radiation in getting an xray than there is in taking a plane trip (who knew?!) so it's not that.

Perhaps, without going into it too much, it's just the fact that this is medical intervention. Will it always be like this with my living children? I am feeling quite nauseous and have the familiar upset stomach that has accompanied me before when I've had to take her to see a doctor or like the time we had her heart ultrasound done when she was 8 weeks old (now THAT was hard). Even though the result was a resounding "all normal!", I was almost at teeth-chattering stage.

So whether they find something today (which will be treated and we're onto it and will get her the best possible care around) or not, I have decided I'm allowed to be scared. I can cry and probably will - am welling up now, as a matter of fact - because this is my daughter and anything medical that intervenes, at the moment, is still really scary stuff. When Steve and I were sitting in the ER with her a couple of months ago, I literally separated myself from her. Just like I did with Ellanor at one point after we found out about her heart. I get scared that they are going to find something and tell me something is wrong with her - and "wrong" in our experience has been reeeeeally fucking bad.

It's irrational. It's worst case scenario (obviously). It's ingrained in me. It's how it is. For now. I'm ok that I am scared, it's allowed to be like this because it's how I feel - doesn't mean I like it, but I am relieved I recognise it (it's a path to not making things so OTT, which I hope to have levelled out a bit by the time the LGBB is really getting into scrapes that I need to be tougher for). There's time to work on getting past these things and I guess if I had more time to get used to the idea - say, for instance, I had had more warning that she would need an xray in so many months' time - I'd have had plenty of notice. But this went from ultrasound "sometime" to xray ASAP just three days ago. And the urgency and step up in diagnostic measures has just unnerved me a bit.

So. Better go get presentable, I guess. And put on my game face. Hmmm, which one to wear today...