Welcome to Fedupsville. Population: me

Well, it took almost thirteen months but today I finally cracked.

I know when I crack. I come over all resolute and spent-like. No energy to even encourage anymore. I have a maternal child health nurse breathing down my neck that if the LGBB does not crawl, I (*I*) am going to have some serious issues on my hands - I kinda tuned out to her but gathered it was something to do with important connections in the brain not being made if she doesn't do it - and that whatever I did, I was not to allow her to walk before she crawled.

Ok, before anyone rolls up their sleeves to hit the keyboard, I know. I know! If she is going to stand up and walk out of this house in order to find anything more amusing than the toys I keep plonking her in front of in an effort to entice forward motion, then that is her. We are all individuals (together: Yes.... we are all individuals). She can chat to her Little People and do the whole nappy-on-the-teddy routine already, she's heading into imaginative play in a big way and inspects everything closely. So she's quite clearly a thinker rather than a doer or mover.

Despite recognising Lolly as a kid with her own timeframe on all things movement, I am starting to grow a rather unhealthy concern (read: paranoia verging on obsession) about the fact that she's now reverted to lying on her back or her stomach and not even attempting to roll to either side. I had figured it was because she knew she didn't have to, that eventually someone would come along and help her and sit up. Or roll from back to front/front to back. And I honestly do still think she is a bit too smart for her own good in this manner.

Just so I can get them clear in my own head, the facts are:
• she pivots when she's on her tummy so she does tend to swivel around and find toys that way. If I leave her long enough, sometimes she's happy to play that way (but let's face it, if you know you can sit and play, who the hell wants to lie down to do it with a Fisher Price whatever stuck right in their face?), but the line is fine between happy to play and starting to whinge - once that starts it's hard to pick a split-second gap to pop in and encourage her to sit up on her own.

• I've observed that she doesn't weight bear. She can. But she doesn't. There is a huge difference. I have seen her put all her top weight on her arms and keep her head up, for instance, for as long as she likes. But when I go to encourage her to sit up, for example, that big noggin stays firmly on the ground and she acts as if her arms are made of jelly. I end up feeling like I have a 9kg ragdoll to position.

• As with above, I've seen her on her hands and knees - she will not do this on her own but if she finds herself in that pozzy she'll rock and she'll stay up as long as it amuses her.

• As much as I have observed these weight-bearing things, I get concerned at the grimacing and crying that sometimes accompanies them and when she does this and wants to do anything else but, I worry that she is in pain or otherwise restricted in her joints somewhere. But then, how come at other times she is fine with it? A fellow mother's group mum says she's never seen Lolly so animated and physically active as when she is in the pool. She suggested that her free and over-the-top movements in the water may be because she feels weightless and if there is any pain or pressure on the ground, that she doesn't feel it in the water and that's why she looks as if she could take off and do a lap or 20. I tend to agree, although I reckon she just loves the water so much that that is why she forgets herself and becomes Splashy McSplash in her little corner of the world. She really does lose herself in the water, it's 30 of the most mind-blowing minutes of her week.

• I have begun to tell her she will do these things when she wants to do them badly enough. Perhaps she doesn't want to roll over. Or sit up. Or reach for anything. I know this is not true, the aggravation is there but the desire obviously doesn't outweigh the necessity to move. It is a way for me to keep my cool and hear a calm voice in the house. After a 30 minute crying session this morning, from finding herself on her back and throwing a tantrum and using up her energy that way instead of *just* throwing an arm and leg over her body to get to another position, I put her to bed 45 minutes earlier than usual. We're both exhausted.

The health nurse has always directly and indirectly indicated to me that it is through my actions. If I can recall, in the memory banks of my mind, I have been told specifically that because my last baby was taken away, I am somehow doing everything I can to make this baby comfortable and not get upset. What I hear in what she says is that I don't have endurance enough to tolerate the LGBB crying and just cave and give her what she wants. And I think it's comments like this that deny me the right/opportunity to just sit back and relax and not force the LGBB into positions she doesn't want to be in (who can play and zoom little figurines through the air from their tummy??). But then I'm back to feeling guilty for allowing her to sit virtually all day.

For starters, I don't know any attentive mother who would allow her baby to cry without trying to assist or encourage. As it stands, I have no idea if 30-odd minutes is far too long. In that time, I come in, I tell her I love her, I try to encourage her to do something with her limbs without actually doing the weight bearing for her, I position her legs and arms as much as I can to show her, I get down on the floor and re-enact what she needs to do so she sees me do it. NONE of this helps. And I've been given no nod to say whether I am doing enough/the "right" thing.

I'm not going to ask this particular nurse if she thinks I should be seeking further assistance with Lolly. I don't trust her judgement on the matter and think it depends more which day I see her - her answer could be different on two different days. The general consensus up to this point in time is that she's just slow to move and will do it all in her own time. But at the age of 15 months (my time limit set by the health nurse), I am starting to get right nervous that I'll have a finger pointed at me by some professional who said my window for improvement was months ago and I've ruined her development, or could have done something about it long before then.

I don't know if I want to seek professional guidance. One part of me is scared they are going to say she's got something going on and that is a fear I don't think I could face (though of course I'd have to if it is the case), and the other part of me is scared that I'll be looked on as a mother who is trying to rush the natural progression of her particular child.

It's so frustrating because we've seen it, plenty of people have seen her use her arms, use her legs, see the strength in her body overall. But she doesn't seem to apply it. And then I go back to "Yes but maybe she just doesn't need to yet"...... So if she doesn't need to and so many people are confident and telling me to chill about it, what do I do about the people who are on the other side saying "Oooh she's a baby who has been put in the sitting position too much, she will have frog legs, you are ruining her hip development" yada yada yada?

For peace of mind, today I have placed a call to get things started. If it were just the not crawling thing, I think I'd wait it out. Coupled with my other observations that she appears to be resisting the whole body-in-space thing (oh yeah, she doesn't like her torso to be tilted beyond about 45º so that's kinda hard if she ever wants to get down to the floor from where she's sitting) and has stopped rolling as well, I guess I need to bite the bullet and face it.