Sank to the bottom, floated to the top

There's something I've been meaning to get to the bottom of. Not that I knew just what it was exactly, in order to start unravelling, until today.

It's been an interesting process, selling our first home. Another little twist in the campaign happened today and while initially I felt very cavalier about our latest move - Steve had a phone meeting with our listing agents, suggesting they could pull their socks up a little more - this afternoon finds me in a bit of a quake about it all.

Then I recognised that, change the players to anybody you like and any situation you like, here we have the very scenario that keeps coming up for me: I stand up for myself and feel very justified in doing so, I state my case clearly and feel there is just cause, it's all received well by the other party ..... and then give me a couple of hours and my subconscious has done a number on my self esteem.

It has happened time and again. It's so interesting that only now can I recognise it really clearly. Perhaps it's the fact that the dynamics of it being the agents, working for us and not going anywhere because the commish is too darn good, and an unemotive, impersonal, non-familial setting makes it easier for me to see it all this time.

But I do believe I'm on the precipice of an understanding here. About the nature of myself. I think it might come from my upbringing - being shut down or forced to back down or put my opinions right to the bottom of the pile. I have a history of being attacked, having whatever I express that's important to me really belittled or demeaned. So this time, granted, it's nothing to do with how I *feel*, per se, but it has everything to do with putting my neck out there and saying "Hey, I'm not exactly satisfied". I'm used to shutting up and going along. I used to be okay with it, but in recent years I've had to try and learn how to say I don't like "such-and-such", to decipher what exactly is important enough for me to stand up for (and what's most certainly not).

Interesting. Odd. It's a strange vehicle that's been used for my latest learning, though the timing is very pertinent. But wow, I really think it's a biggie. I hope to god I get to the bottom of it this time, because this is one pearler I wish very sincerely would stop coming up for me - and it will only do that once I learn the lesson.