A few months ago, I went up to Peace Space one gorgeous sunny Saturday. My wrist had just started to really really hurt. It was before I had anyone look at it for me. So writing was supremely difficult. Unfortunately for me too, it seems that a flowing right hand brings in the energy I need when I'm connected with ... well, let's just give it the blanket term of "upstairs".
In January this year, the 10th to be exact, The Guardian Friend phoned me and said matter-of-factly, "Had a dream. Think it's for you." She went on to explain a little tinkly girl's voice came to her and said happily, 'Tell her Micky is coming!' and that when she awoke the next morning, the name Micah came to her. I think a little bit of Googling may have been involved but only to let me know that all she could find about Micah was that it means "moon". Cool. We thought, new moon maybe? A baby boy called Michael?? Who knew? We didn't.
I wrote it all down, at her request, and went on my merry way.
Now, when I went to Peace Space and it must have been around early July, it was to go specifically to get a handle on this book writing. I needed to be out of Melbourne, away from me dear little sweet Bliss Bomb, head clear. The hand/wrist thing was a shit and got in the way a tad but I think I made the connection I was meant to that day.
If Steve's reading this, he'll freak. Anywho. Shall continue...
When I arrived, I sat down with Neri for a while. She was there working that Saturday too. I realised pretty early on that I needed to get outside, out of the rooms there, and just sit in the sun with pen and paper. Before going outside, I did a clearing. Before doing the clearing, Neri pointed to the deck of Angel cards on the table and said, "Why don't you take a look at them and see if any sit well with you. Bit of guidance or direction."
I'd never used Angel cards before. And thanks to a trippy and totally uncomfortable encounter with an over-zealous waxing/beautician assistant who cornered me in a booth after stripping me pits with hot wax and insisted on giving me a reading (she was waaaaaay out of line and it's bozos like that who give the entire thing such a whacky name), I was none too keen on taking a look at them now. But ever open-minded, if not sceptical, I took the deck. There was a whole stack of them and I was rather impatient, not wanting to waste time.
Well, five cards down the pile, I saw it. And a shot like a lightning bolt raced right up me. Micah. The Angel Micah. S/he (for they are androgenous, but to me the feeling is masculine) is one of the Mother's Angels. The Angel of the Divine Plan. Right.Well then.. The first line of the book description of Micah reads:
"Micah watches over spiritual evolution, seeking every opportunity to reveal the next steps of your life purpose. This lifetime represents only a small part of your Divine Plan, which directs you through many specific experiences to become everything you were intended to be. When at last you release enough emotional baggage to feel your purpose, you realise that it is what you wanted all along."
Ok. Bit of a freakin' fluke. But I read on. And everything was just shouting "Yes, yes yes!!" in me. It was utterly bizarre. And I couldn't wait to tell my friend just how spot on she'd been. Again.
So as I went over to do the protection and clearing before getting to work, and having discussed with Neri how significant I thought this Micah was, I called in the Angel Micah and also Ella to help guide me that day while I was there, if it was appropriate. I don't ever assume to just go calling on anybody, as if it's my right or my crutch. But as I stood there facing the lit candles, calling on them I all of a sudden felt (not saw) an incredibly huuuuuuuge object behind me. Huge. I admit I was a tad scared. I was all alone in the room as Neri had ducked down to get lunch. So I stood there. Facing the wall and the candles, not a little unlike that final scene from Blair Witch Project (mind you, I thought that boy was doing a wizz against the wall and I thought, "What's he weeing now for??" I am such a fool), just frozen to the spot and thinking, What or who the hell is that?
It was Micah. He must have retreated from me far enough that I moved from the spot and actually worked up the courage to turn around. Nothing. Of course. But he was in. I felt incredibly humbled. And trotted out quickly so as not to waste anyone's time. Ella was there too. It is weeeeeeeird that I can just say this. But she was.
Sat down on a bench and started writing my questions, regarding the book, questions I thought would assist me know just where to start. And then went back over them, hoping for answers. This is what I got:
How do I parent my child who has passed?
It's all at once beautiful and challenging. Never a burden. Respect them as a person.
How do I stay connected enough to fully and propoerly explain the thread of the work? (I don't even properly understand this question, but I get the answer!) How do I stay with it? On topic?
Call in Angel Micah and Ella. Come to Peace Space to do it when you need extra energy.
How do I ensure I properly honour and respect everybody's babies, journies that are similar? How do I overcome my feelings of inadequacy about "speaking for them"?
You're not. You're merely opening it up. You're speaking for you and those who want to will follow.
How do I begin? Where to from here with the writing I have?
Make a timeline of events. Intersperse/inject the facts with your feelings. Use your notes for this. The story will tell itself and you will get help along the way once you get started.
*pant pant*
Where does the story start and finish?
The story doesn't.
*Scooby Doo confused face*
Where does this book need to start and finish? (they're nothing if not particular on the details are they!)
Start: with your awareness of Ella.
Finish: You don't know this yet.
Who am I doing this for, ultimately?
You and other mums like you in this experience.
And then I sat for a moment and also got this:
The purpose of the book is simply to tell Ella's story. The whole thing. From my perspective/experience.
Her coming into existence/my awareness.
Her physical story.
The impact of her life and death from a mother's point of view.
The challenges presented by living with a child's death.
(What is the interconnecting theme?) The existence between life and death. The task of the mother to insure the continuum of the soul after death amongst those still living.
That last interconnecting theme bit has me a bit skeered. Going to have to really be well focused and ready for that one.
So. I'd just like to point out that I have only today looked at this again. I'll bet now my editing posse are just so pleased... *inject sarcasm here* because I've thrust a few things on them already. After the first round of files I put out, in a different categorization, they actually came back and unanimously said that they thought it needed to be a timeline. Hmmm. Ooops. Wish I had remembered this bunch of questions I received answers to before I'd even bloody well started. Would've saved everyone an awful lot of hoo-har. Only late last week, I put events into chronological order. Then promptly opened a new Word document and then BAM, couldn't stop hitting the damn keys. It's been too easy. And I can already see why it's reading the way it is now - it seems rather cold to me, me writing about me and who I was. But I see where it's going. Other interesting thing I've noted is that I have started quite a way before my awareness of Ella.... I wonder if the back story will stay in the book or change?
There you have it. 'Tis all but a part of the process, I am fully aware. And guess what: now that I've changed tactics (to what they said all along I ought to be doing), this thing is writing itself!
No comments:
Post a Comment