By Little Miss Bliss Bomb.
Step 1. Eat your breakfast. A hearty brekkie should be tucked into thus: take a fistful and shove it in, swivel on your bum, place your feet on your plate and mush 'em in good. Do a poo in this position.
Step 2. Give Dad his present. From you. For him. But make it something for you. A good story book is best. Don't forget to eat the crayons when you're drawing in the card.
Step 3. Go swimmin'. Give the olds something to tear up about and puff out their chest, such as, say, be the first in your class to swim on your own with no one holding you. See how that grabs them. Watch your teacher, too, she'll be really surprised you can kick so well without stopping ('specially how you're holding out on the crawling and all that too). They'll be so proud and excited. Pretend you don't know why.
Step 4. Screw your face up in excitement at a toy you've had for nearly two months. You can pretend you've never heard that "High and low" (Mummy: goddamn bloody repetitive catchy) song before and bop til you drop.
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