It's oh so quiet....

It's all so still.

I've had a shockingly emotional week. Cried my overworked heart out for a couple of days, realised I didn't feel ready and even had apprehension about Lolly coming. But after using Steve as my outside-of-my-own-mind rationality yardstick, I'm much better. Prepared, primed and ready. Bang up for it. Actually, pacing because I can't wait to meet our little Lolly.

Here's us at 38 weeks. My God, how time has alternately flown and stood still. And I ask myself daily, despite the extreme back/hip pain giving me a shuffle that makes Cliff Young look like he was positively sprinting, how we have been so lucky to have made it this far this time. Makes my experience with Ellanor so much more special and full of meaning.


And while I'm not giving any dates away, this could be my last entry. I vowed that if my waters broke, I'd write it here if I got the time get an entry in.... before Lolly's entry was made. But as it turns out, we've served a notice of eviction on old Lazybones Lolly so next time you read, I could be a new mummy. That is, of course, unless some random bit of trivia or a funny cartoon tickles my fancy enough that I have to share it here.

The induction date is strictly a secret, but let's just say, birth is imminent. And my body is thanking me profusely for allowing the induction to go ahead (I was in two minds, but I can't go on anymore with the pain).

Steve finished work on Friday for five whole weeks. If I was physically able, I would have fallen at his feet and gripped his legs so he had to drag me as he walked, I was that pleased to see him home on Friday night. Saying "Neverrr leave again", in Homer's classic line from the Rancho Relaxo episode.

So, dear Bloggy Audience, I dread to love you and leave you. Don't leave me! I am going on a forced break.... unsure of when I'll return. Depends on Lolly I guess. Through various other channels, you will soon know when I've given birth. I'm in hospital for a week, possibly a bit over depending on whether I do have to be induced (in which case I'll be admitted to await labour coming on) or whether Lolly, in true form, decides the birth date for him/herself.

Damn! I broke a nail

This guy is just pure genius talent. Look add'im go! (stay with it, he just gets faster and wilder on that strumming bizzo)

Brilliant version of a classic song, too.

Do you reckon it'd hurt if he misplucked and got a finger caught though? *wince*

Diary of an IVF whore

23.2.05
"...Now see here, journal, I don't want to see any miscarriage stories this year in this one! So much progress towards starting IVF - it's quite amazing to find myself in this position - so close to starting after so many, many months and years of waiting and heartbreak.
I had to terminate the pregnancy we had in December '04 (two months ago). It surprised me a little how relatively easy I found it to cope with.
And so, lying in Recovery, I made the decision: we are going to start using Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis with IVF to try and make our family now. I wish it hadn't resorted to this, but then how long do I continue to do this? To my mind and body?"

8.5.05 Mother's Day
"...Bought a bunch of flowers for myeslf yesterday. No one in the family has mentioned today to us at all. Don't know what else I was expecting.
I start sniffing Synarel tomorrow. I am soooooo excited. Really looking forward to seeing how well my body reacts."

11.5.05
"...I'm trying very hard and so far I've not mastered it properly, but I really need to concentrate on bringing in this baby's energy. We're so close now. I have to keep remembering what Steve has started saying: 'Don't look over there, or over there - just keep bringing in that baby.' I really do feel like it's just him and me this time. Funny that surrounded by practically zero family, only dr's/nurses at the IVF clinic and many strangers mostly via the net, we seem to feel really strong and focused. There's not much doubt, certainly not as much as when we were trying to conceive naturally."

24.5.05
"...Did my first injection last night. Weirrrrrrd!! But now I've done it once, I am sure I will be able to do them quite easily. It's funny, I'm not resentful or 'hating' this process or the drugs at all - it's a bit scary, yes, but it still feels like we're heading in a positive direction.
You are so longed for, little one! We want you here with us and would go to any length to get you here safely. I'm feeling very positive about the outcome of all this. I don't think we will be too disappointed. I fear saying that, in case something goes wrong and it all ends in a miscarriage again, or no pregnancy at all.... but I really don't think that will result.
No, I know this baby will be strong and fit and healthy. We are waiting for you. We are ready to catch you. Please don't hesitate."

27.5.05
"...I can't believe it's only a week from today until Egg Pick Up! These years of yearning and trying to conceive our family have been so long and at times painful, lonely, boring, difficult and filled with immense sorrow. That it could all be about to end is a bit incomprehensible. I mean, I was also sure that Ella was "the one", I could never have guessed it would all end up the way it has. So it's very hard to not have reservations. I'm having to let go an 'identity' of sorts.
I wasn't sure before, but now I've seen: You are NOT my mission or purpose in life, little one. Although I am more than willing to have you become part of our lives. xx"

31.5.05
"...Ok, whoa. Trying very, very hard to stay positive today. It's so very difficult to keep focused on you, my little one. You haven't made yourself known to me just yet. I have to keep trusting this process.
This morning I went for my first ultrasound to check how many follicles have been produced. There were 14. I know my eggies are good! It only takes on. One special little one. Come on! We'll always be here in the meantime, but hurry up already, will ya!"

5.6.05
"...Optimism being smashed to pieces here! 6 eggs retrieved from those 14 follicles. Only three have fertilised. We now have to wait all day today and right through tomorrow (biopsy day) to find out many have survived.
The chances of of one of those three being both normal AND living for 5 days and growing all the while is just so slim.
I can't bear it. By far, this is the worst, the most cruel wait I've ever encountered during our years trying to conceive.
To top everything off, that girl has completely done her top over something I vented publicly abouty her behaviour towards me (particularly at Ella's birthday "celebration" where they arrived with their child and didn't even come over to say hi). That and other things she's said or gestures she's made that I find totally inappropriate and insensitive.
I was asked by Steve not to confront her - I see now it's not for me to do that in an attempt to alter her behaviour and frankly, from her reaction, I doubt she would have cared about me if I'd put my heart on my sleeve and gone straight to her anyway, which would have crushed me even more - But I needed to get it out somehow. I was also unsure (as I am about just so many things) if what I was feeling was justified, that maybe I had it all wrong about her.
So I wrote it out, posted it and received pages of sympathetic feedback. I was able to put it all behind me after that acknowledgement/validation. Well, through her own snooping (which she has cleverly skirted), she has come across the post with all the comments now, 6 months later.
Great timing!
And once again, I am left doubting if I have this right in my head - this, however, is denying my feelings. She is simply livid at being called on her two-facedness. If she would just stop going around acting like a perfect saviour and generous person, and stop talking about the same people she's so "generous" towards behind their backs, perhaps she wouldn't be so confused about why I feel like this."

7.6.05
"...Well my goodness. One (at least) of those 3 little embies is normal. Not only normal but going strong.
This morning, when I woke up, I was just filled with dread waiting for "the call". Overnight, I had to get up at least 8 times with excruciating stomach cramps and rather violent trips to the toilet. I've lost 2kg in about 2 days, as this started on Sunday. I believe this is all manifesting from sheer terror. I wanted to feel so fit and healthy to welcome this emby aboard! But I feel quite wretched right now."

8.6.05
"...You're in, little fella! It still may all end in tears (have a blood test on 20/6) but I hope with everything i have in me that it will end in tears of happiness sometime in the first months of 2006. I feel so calm and peaceful, it feels quite surreal compared to the past five days of raw nerves."

22.6.05
"...Well, miracle emby did not stay. I started bleeding on Friday morning, unbelievable pain that went away after I passed a rather sizable clot. Lovely!
Spent the weekend recovering, accepting, gathering strength again. Steve seems to have taken it quite well, no tears from him and buckets from me.
I'm fine now though. Whatever 'fine' is...
We're not quite back at square one and that's a good feeling."

15.8.05
"...I'm currently well on my way through our second PGD cycle. This time, hardly anyone knows and those who do are in the dark about dates, timing, etc.
Interesting to observe that up until this past weekend, Ella was very prominent in my thoughts for over a week or two. I brought it up with Steve last Wednesday night and he said that, yes, he too had been thinking of her much more recently.
We revisited that yesterday and noted that our thoughts of our girl had died down again. Funny thing is - and I haven't really shared this because a) I'm still a tad unsure of whether my mind is playing tricks and getting in the way and b) I wouldn't know how to explain it out loud and still sound convincing - but anyway, I think I have vaguely sensed Ellanor again. There is a very, very slight sense of her around me. I'm unsure about it. I want desperately for it to be a 'sign'... yet I don't want it to be my conscious making stuff up."

24.8.05
"...Trying desperately not to be despondent about today's ultrasound results. Once again, I'm caught up in dates, numbers, measurements, instead of sitting back and trusting."

28.8.05
"...And here I am again, waiting for Egg Pick Up tomorrow. I'm neither excited nor anxious, happy or sad. I feel completely exhausted and somewhat defeated already, to be perfectly honest. Part of my tiredness comes from the drugs, yes... but mostly I really do just feel so exhausted about my 'existence'. That we came so close last ycle but didn't get pregnant, that people around me either continue to fall pregnant easily or have their precious next pregnancy again after miscarrying or losing their own baby.
There is a real sense that so many are moving on (although of course I realise many aren't) and I feel left behind. I surprise myself that I am genuinely ecstatic for so many of the girls I am on this journey with (on EB), when they fall pregnant after their own perseverence. And I am equally distraught if any of them miscarry (which happens all too often).
But I seriously rue my role becoming one of inactive supporter - I wouldn't be so gracious if my own chances got to the point of being futile.

6.9.05
"...Well, it worked. It's happened and I am sitting here again waiting for next week's blood test to confirm whether the embryo transferred last Friday has implanted. Oh, will you grace us with your presence this time, I wonder!?
I have pregnancy symptoms already - bloated, on-off nausea, tender breasts, discomfort around waistline - all caused solely by the Crinone gel which does a bloody good job of mimicking a pregnancy.
So much of my married/adult life has been taken up with shit like this! I say to myself and others, so often, "I'm so SICK of wanting a baby who won't come", "I'm giving up", "I'm not doing THIS anymore"... And here I still am. Writing the same goddamn thoughts and hopes every time I put pen to paper in here. SHITS ME!!!!!"

20.10.05 (first day of period in the cycle Lolly was conceived)
"...It wasn't just the Crinone gel. I did get pregnant with that last little miracle. We knew and were elated for approximately two days before the bleeding started. I'm uplifted and relieved that we have definitely closed the IVF option door.
We always agreed on only trying 3 times but we feel, after achieving our aim (to "get pregnant") on our second attempt and having it end in miscarriage anyway after all that effort to ensure it's a healthy emby, that we have tried this and know that perhaps one day if we kept trying, it would work.
But we're not prepared to keep endlessly trying with PGD/IVF. If anything, that kind of seems more hopeless to me."

12.12.05
"...Who thought we'd get another pregnancy in before the end of the year? I am roughly 6 weeks pregnant and holding out hope that it's a keeper, conceived naturally. Hanging out very anxiously, whilst getting very tired and sick, until next scan next week. God, here's hoping we have another healthy miracle in there."

19.4.06
"...Well, we sure DO have a healthy, naturally conceived absolute miracle on our hands here! "Lolly" is currently barrelling towards his/her July 28th due date. I love you already.
I hope you can trust me and go easy on me! You, your dad and me... we'll be the tightest team. I admire you already for this mammoth task you've taken on. I mean, I know we will see you right and love and nurture you so well - but coming in as you have done, after losing our first daughter, and all these other miscarriages... well I think it's a big task to take on. But I'm so glad it was YOU who chose it.
I can already kind of get the feeling of you. You're much like your direct and unflappable Dad. Not at all 'fragile' or delicate - like I felt with Ella. She herself was strong, but I always had a rather 'fragile' feeling when pregnant with her. Not with you, though! I do believe you're as strong as an ox and having a ball already. You bring us joy."

13.6.06
"...Little Lolly, I was so scared today. Had a yucky dream that stayed with me. Luckily I had an appointment with (Dr Luffley) and I got to see you again on the screen.
Your whole face filled the monitor and you sucked your thumb, then rubbed your eyes. I could hardly believe what I was seeing!
We are ready for you!
I look forward to meeting you every day now. We love you so much already and cannot wait to include you in our daily lives.
I watched your Dad as he slept the other morning and cried silently. With joy, with a bit of melancholy, with the knowledge that you and I are about to make him so happy. I want to watch him be a dad. It was cut so short with Ella. And I look forward as much to seeing you as I do to seeing him hold you and kiss you, bath you and dress you and whisper to you as you sleep.
Come safely, lovely one."

A memory like a smack in the kisser

Look at this photo I just came across. Steve took this about two months after Ella died. I distinctly remember he was trying to get me to smile. I honestly thought I was.....

If you were ever wondering, this is the watery eyed, weary smile you get if you're a lost mummy.

Gennice the Understudy

This is now officially me.

For Seinfeld fans, The Understudy is the episode where Jerry's latest girlfriend Gennice is Bette Midler's understudy in Rochelle Rochelle (one girl's erotic journey from Milan to Minsk...). And Gennice has a habit of crying over the littlest things. She drops her hot dog and sobs. Her shoelace breaks and she cries. But her grandmother dies... and she doesn't cry.

So why is that I can watch a soppy movie dry-eyed at the moment, but I nearly (note, nearly is all) dropped my juice on the floor last night and it made me cry? The very thought of what might have happened if I'd spilled a drink reduces me to a mess.

Which way to the padded room please?

A lazy arvo muse

Me: Imagine being a pregnant elephant. And gestating for 18 months. WITH AN ELEPHANT.
S: *daring to speak* Imagine if you were pregnant for 18 months. ......With an elephant.

*****big pause*****

Me: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

And the bell tolled

I'm so heavy. I lost my ability to reach out for things two days ago. I am now officially "over it" and I never thought I'd get to this point. Silly me assumed I'd just sail on into labour, grateful as all get-out.

But no. It would appear I am only human after all.

How do I know this? I cried this morning when I dropped the soap in the shower. I cried because it meant I'd have to bend over and pick it up. Why did I cry? Because I felt sorry for myself. And because I couldn't believe how hard it is to pick up a freaking bar of soap.

Kill me.

Lolly and Me.... the Month-By-Month Retrospective

14 weeks - and to think I thought I looked pretty big already....


19 weeks - feelin' fine and .... looking anaemic??

22 weeks - the most flattering angle,
before I started taking on fluid like The Titanic


24 weeks - ahhhh, when I started to fall in lurve
(and still looking a tad on the iron-deficient side)


28 weeks, the night of our 7th wedding anniversary
and my drooling over seeing Adam Hills live


32 weeks - *whispering* she sees little people


36 weeks - no commenting on the spotty mirror, okay?
I can't reach it to clean it.

A-HA! So they ARE friends

Everyone needs something warm to cosy up to.

I prefer mine to shed less hair, but hey. Sometimes you can't be fussy.

Ok, hands up who remembers this

I LOVED this Christmas cartoon. It made Christmas morning. The abominable snowman who has it in for Rudolph, the sound of Rudolph's nose when it glowed (*wom....wom....wom*)..... the fatty fat Santa. All of it. Loved it.

Best. Christmas. Cartoon. Ever.


Other notable shows that made our Christmas mornings: Shirl's Neighbourhood with Claude the Crow and Norm the Kangaroo, and the obligatory 6am Thunderbirds screening. And kids these days.... they miss out.

This is becoming...

.. a pretty boring blog if you don't like dogs.

But I just have to share this.

Doing her bit for the Socceroos

Meanwhile, Miss Jazzus dazzles us all with her ball handling and deflating skills ...

Reenie's Getting Married

And she didn't even tell me. Ever since I've been seeing the ad for this show, Rene's Getting Married, on channel 10, I've been reading Rene (phoenetically, Renay) as Reenie. As in Pepperini. As in Pepper.

So now I have visions of a reality tv show of my old dog in a wedding dress trying to find suitable bachelors.

Any suitors out there who'd put up with a slightly snappish, jealous, brooding, shedding, whingey, deeply affectionate to a chosen few Kelpie? No hip troubles, still as deft as Harry Kewell with a ball (despite eyesight gradually fading), enjoys sprints in the park, nagging for left-overs and boasts selective hearing and as-yet unwavering indoor continence. Aged about 84. Applications closing soon.

"Well, hell-ow fellas"

To dry or not to dry.... THAT is the question

Drying my hair straight is no easy feat. Drying it properly, an even bigger challenge. Especially with arm fatigue in late pregnancy.

Found myself wondering this morning, as I struggled to keep my hands up, 'Should I just let go the straight look now.... or should I squeeze as many days out of my whimpy arms as I can?' More importantly, as today is my last visit to Dr Luffley before he a) goes on holiday and b) quite possibly sees me before Lolly greets the world, am I setting the bar too high?

Like..... after Ella was born, there was not a straight hair in sight. In fact, there wasn't even a dry one. It was simply shower, towel off, pin off face and scarper back to that cot quick smart. And while it's not a look I'm happy to display to the world, there's no real option when you've just had a baby. Despite what others have said to me about "You won't care what you look like when you have that baby in your arms", erm strangely I did still care whether I looked like shite or not - makes me feel better to not look like how I feel sometimes. It wasn't a matter of not caring, per say, it was more a case of 'Can't Do' because there simply wasn't any time.

So.What to do, what to do. I mean, I don't want it to look like I'm not down with the new baby thing by having lovely straight lustrous locks today and then all of a sudden next time he sees me I'm in hospital and I'm looking like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons who has dozens of cats and only talks gibberish - her hair is a sight.... (but thinking about it, maybe she just can't keep her hair dryer up for long enough to straighten it).

Am I over-thinking this?

And as an aside...
Oh will that FUCKING DOG shut up.

Holding a lantern

Helpless.

Hold on, mama. Hold on, little Butterfly.

So many weeks to go yet and still so little can be done but watch over you tenderly from afar. Such a big decision for a tiny, tiny being. Surely you don't want to come now. Don't rush your life.

Why are some spiritually contractual journeys so damned hard?

And so we wait and we pray and we hope with all our might that your road is not as rocky as your brave big brother's before you.

Hold on little one, pleeeease.

It's a matter of plumbing

This morning, our early morning banter-before-rising went thus:

K: Dr Luffley goes away this weekend for two weeks.... Lenny, all the things that seemed so far away and that I said "I'll deal with that when it comes" ..... have started to come! My next milestone was to make it to my birthday and that's next week. And the one after that was to get through til Dr Luffley gets back, and that's in three weeks' time.

S: Hey who's replacing him when he's on leave? What's the dr's name?

K: Scott Pearce.

S: Hey! He's not a doctor!

K: Wha'?

S: Nah, Scott Pearce is the guy I deal with at Pipeline Magazine.

K: Pipeline....Magazine. You mean that magazine about the wonderful world of pipes? I still can't get over the fact that there can be enough to say about pipes that'd fill an entire magazine. Every month.

S: Yeah *convincingly* there is. *laughing* I wonder if it's the same guy.

K: *withered look in the dark*

S: Hey I wonder if Dr Luffley put an ad in the paper.... "Wanted: Someone who knows a thing or two about pipes."

K: Well, it's all plumbing, isn't it.

S: Mmm, yeah. Pipes and tunnels.

The importance of things

To Pepper:

P: See, I think if I go like this .... mmmphff .... and shut my eyes reeeally, reeeeally tight, your tummy might go away. And then if it works I'll try it on Jazz and make her disappear too. So it can just be us again.
Like old times.

P: Ahhhh, shit. It didn't work......
Well ..... do you still love me anyway?

To Jazz:

J: Hey, which is my best side, do you think?

J: Ok, is it this way? Orrrr....

J: This way?

J: Yeah, I agree. Full frontal is cutest. So, like, is the angle of my head ok? Do I look good in this? I am soooo trying to understand what you're saying, but honestly I'm more interested in....



J: ...trying to out-cute Peppy.


P: Does this mean ..... you don't love me anymore? I'm sorry, whatever I did. Just in case.
...... and I won't do it again. If you could just let me know what it was.

Carnage at the Hairdressers

"It was just awful. He just kept brushing and brushing and...... there he is! Oh Gohhhhd,
and he still has the comb in his hand. I'll be good, I promise I'll be good.
Save meeee, mummy."




The aftermath of an hour's worth of brushing. With possibly another two hours required.

Pimp my Rocker

And in a burst of exuberant energy (which lasted til about 10 minutes before the final stitch and then saw me starting to lose it, figuratively and literally, from not only the back ache but the steely pig-headedness to finish or be damned), I have shabby chîc'd a new bouncinette cover.

It is yet to be adorned with the obligatory "Grandma's handy skill" quilting effect on the flowers (which apparently will make the flowers raise above the rest of the fabric and look all cute n' puffy, she assures me), but it's done. Sans pattern. In one arvo.

*chest is puffier than a red robin*

And all made from scraps of material and quilters' foam.

Signed,
Martha Stewart

Q: When is a dog lover NOT a dog lover

A: When she has a dog living next door who creates so much helplessness and anxiety that she feels she may lose her sanity.

Our new neighbours moved in in October last year. So basically, they and their fucking dog (it's the only thing I can call it) have been living next to us for my entire pregnancy. The first time I approached them about how often he is barking when they are out was early this year, February or March. I was inundated with apologies, visits from him and her at my front door to explain what new wonderful method they were going to try. These ranged from a zap collar (which I think they never even tried because the guy was already voicing how expensive they are) to the citronella spray canister which squirts into the dog's face every time it barks.

They apparently took the citronella collar back to the vet to say it wasn't working and the vets were amazed that they had run out of citronella already...... yes, they were stupid enough to divulge this to me. Like proud parents of their over-excelling fur-child.

I called the council in March. "What can be done about this?" I pleaded. They took details - mine and the fucking dog's - and said they would send out information to us (that we needed to keep a barking diary to document the disruption) and also send out a ranger to visit the neighbours. This was apparently, as I understood it, a first step.

I gave up on the barking diary. My bad. But still the fucking dog barked on. Steve and I have, over the past months since Easter, resorted to our own methods of getting him to shut the hell up. A deep gutteral growl is all it takes now and he will be quiet. Pity the neighbour's wife and daughter can't do the same. He barks when they are home, he only shuts up if the guy is there (or if someone lets him in). When they are home, he even ignores me. So I prefer them now to be out so I can growl at the shit head.

Problem is, Lolly ain't that forgiving anymore. It takes several minutes sometimes to get up and get to the door, by which time Murphy's Law has prevailed and he's stopped. So I stand at the door, exhausted from the effort, and then hope he DOES bark just so I can reprimand him! It's a bloody nightmare.

Called the council again yesterday and downloaded their new and improved "So your neighbours have a barking dog and you want to maim it" booklet. Turns out, no one ever did go next door, they were never sent any information - it all came to us.

Oh. Actually, it seems the onus is ALLLLLLL on us. I have to keep a barking diary for a fortnight. I have to round up other neighbours as witnesses to the barking. I have to prove I have attempted to resolve the issue through the Dispute Settlement Centre of Victoria..... before the council will even step in. And the icing on the cake? I then have to keep the barking diary of the fucking dog's habits for another month "to monitor if the barking continues or improves as the result of any further action being taken".

What the?! The fucking dog's own owners acknowledge he is a nuisance barker. There is no dispute to settle. JUST SHUT HIM THE HELL UP!!! Whatever it takes. Call a trainer to come to your home, people! Seriously, is it really that difficult? Yes, apparently it is, because heaven forbid they should spend any money to train him - ok, it seems unfair from their point of view as the dog is not disrupting them. But if you've bought a pet and it's turned out to be a nuisance animal, for whatever reason, you are responsible for fixing it! Despite the $$'s it may take. It seems that because they are out all day and don't have to listen to it, they're not putting any effort in at all now. He is an intelligent, bored, untrained dog. And they are irresponsible for owning him in this manner.

As Steve very aptly said, if we decided to turn up music full boar at 2am tomorrow morning, we would be reported and the police would be knocking on our door for disruption of the peace. But I ask you, how am I supposed to accurately keep a barking diary of the fucking dog's every bark when I am trying to work, trying to relax (pah, fat freakin' chance) and trying to prepare for birth???

Gahhhhhhhhhhd people shit me sometimes.